Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.