Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing