Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing

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