Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your desire for further intellectual growth will be stunted when all of your questions about Aquaman are answered.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Unfortunately, the depressed economy and reduced demand for the service will force you to once again scale back the price of your mustache rides.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It turns out that there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll be the latest victim of the five-year unrest between the lower-woodwind and string sections of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will fail to inspire either fear or loyalty, in spite of the iron hand that you used in organizing the hayride.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The last members of your extended family will die of leprosy, putting a stop to the stream of interestingly stained hand-me-downs.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You weren't aware that you could go to hell for wearing the wrong pants, but then you saw it in the Old Testament
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
There's an old superstition that the Devil won't come for a person who has to finish the Lord's work, but that's no reason not to do your dishes.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your career opportunities will become somewhat more limited when, for the third year in a row, you flunk out of the School Of Hard Knocks.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Although your enemies have taken back their "screw you" statement, you might want to make a point of being extra considerate to the horse you rode in on.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Don't worry about politics so much. From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of idiots.