Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scientists are slowly abandoning the idea of the infinite universe in favor of one that's merely big enough for your mother's fat ass.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've always thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After 36 hours of beatings fail to wrest a confession out of you, Interpol will just forge your signature.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be struck down by horror and anguish when you learn that the events chronicled in the song "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" really happened.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've finally achieved the personal and financial independence that will allow you to fulfill your life's craziest dream: to dance naked on the Berlin Wall.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will spend another week putting off the inevitable unpleasantness, but, come to think of it, that's life.