Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The only thing that keeps you from realizing your potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will seek the ancient wisdom of a witch doctor, but you'll have no idea what he means by "Ooh Eee Ooh Ah-Ah Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing-Bang."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Society at large will expect you to donate to the Professional Wrestlers' Widows & Orphans Fund due to the unspoken code of ignoblesse oblige.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
After all is said and done, no one will have said or done anything involving you in any way.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The streets will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven, but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Studies show that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas, except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You should start studying physical and geometric optics now, so you'll have a better understanding of what's happening when you're suddenly converted to photons.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars advise you to reconsider your plans for the future, as they're not going to happen in Capricorn's back yard.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though you're so fat, you should have your own zip code, you continue to use that of Fatsoville, your city of residence.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.