Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.

Advertisement

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.

Advertisement

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.

Advertisement

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.

Advertisement

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.

Advertisement

Share This Story