Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Former roadblocks to romance will crumble and fall before you this month when you discover the erotic potential of intravenous racehorse amphetamines.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of the tarpon.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There will be no hiding your shame when a publicity stunt you engineered for a nationwide chain of sausage shops goes horribly awry, impregnating dozens of spokesmodels.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the nigh-unlimited seducing power of Gemini's five-gallon bottle of Drakkar Noir cologne.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Fire and Air magic are now strong in Leo. Perhaps your decision to "get back on that horse" is inappropriate for a jet pilot.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be unable to shake the strange feeling that your employer's still-beating heart might be absolutely delicious if eaten under a full moon.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
This week's events will ultimately make you a top expert in the competitive genital-branding field.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The waning summer will take with it the last sour dregs of your youth. Celebrate by meeting your mom for lunch and kicking her ass.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Mercury ascendant in your sign means business troubles ahead. You should have had Jake the Snake killed before he turned State's witness.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their efforts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.