Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.