Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You're going to get one more chance to make it right. However, please note that in this case "it" refers not to your life but to beef Wellington.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little peepholes.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You'll deliver triplets in an elevator this week, even though they aren't due for three months and the elevator isn't stuck.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You were brought up to love and fear God, but it's women who you truly love and fear.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your life has been a wonderful and varied symphony, but the bassoon, lower brass, and tympani are getting more minor-key solos this week.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You've always been ready for when push comes to shove, but you'll be unprepared when push comes to uppercut, broken bottle, and meat saw.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You'll fail to deal with a personal tragedy this week, wasting all of your time trying to determine whether you deserved it.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your dream of becoming an accountant is ruined forever when economic circumstances force you to found and direct a modern dance troupe.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Though you consider yourself a master of anal sex, you're just a strange combination of hyper-organization and raw sensuality.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your future is wide open, an endless ocean of possibilities, as long as you do nothing that takes more than three days.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The stars have decided that your life needs no changes, at least from their perspective.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems. Then again, hard work and self-reliance are, so drugs and alcohol will have to do.


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