Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.