Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.


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