Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Being an animated skeleton wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the incessant xylophone music.