Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.