Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You're familiar with the saying "throw the baby out with the bathwater," but you never imagined you'd actually find yourself in the situation.