Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Good, certainly, but not great.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your request.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, as elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Three-inch heels are coming back into style. Unfortunately for you, though, they're expected to be attached to shoes.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
By the time your clever ruse is exposed, you'll be safely across the Swiss border, which seems like an excessive response to substituting yogurt for sour cream in recipes.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Much to your consternation, you discover that it takes more than nudity, llamas, and gin to scandalize the British consulate.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will reconsider your longtime conviction that there's nothing funny about brain cancer when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be pleased by your appointment as Emperor Of Ice Cream, as you like ice cream and have always wanted to wield authority.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will get a nose ring this week when you momentarily believe yourself to be a Brahma bull.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will receive a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no uncertain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.