SEATTLE—Following an incident in which the employee was severely injured and rendered unconscious by a 30-foot fall from a ladder, horrified warehouse worker Paul Diaz awoke from heavily medicated sleep Friday to find Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos welding robotic limbs onto the stumps where his arms once were. “Not to worry, Paul; you’re better, stronger, and more efficient than ever, and you’ll be back at work this time tomorrow,” said the torch-wielding Bezos, lowering his welding mask back over his face and, lit only by the shower of sparks bursting from the marriage of human flesh and molten steel, affixed a multi-jointed biomechanical appendage where Diaz’s right arm once was. “We’re very proud of the progress you’ve made, and we’re excited to see what order-fulfilling abilities you’re truly capable of. No more getting tired. No more meals as you’ve known them. You can now work indefinitely without even so much as breaking a sweat, and once I’ve programmed your subframe to use the warehouse discharge receptacles, you’ll never need a restroom again.” At press time, Jeff Bezos was being held four feet off the ground in a robotic chokehold as his mechanized warehouse workers attempted to determine whether or not the company founder is an inefficiency that must be snuffed out.
More from The Onion