MCGREGOR, IA—Panicking as kernels of the hardy self-cultivating cereal grain began spreading rapidly across his arms, legs, and torso, horrified Iowan farmer Lanny Heck broke out in virulent corn Friday after coming into direct contact with a plot of Monsanto crops. “My God, it’s—it’s growing everywhere,” said a deeply disturbed Heck, while frantically clawing at the husks growing on his face and neck. “Please, please help. Oh God, how could this be happening? Please, someone help me! Tell the other farmhands I need a shovel and—oh, no. Roots. I can feel the roots. They’re all through me, they’re growing all through me, they’ve reached my, my, oh my God uhuhuhhhhhhhh.” Monsanto officials called for calm and claimed that anyone who finds themselves similarly afflicted should be boiled in heavily salted water for 8 to 10 minutes or until tender.