Horrifying Email From Ex-Girlfriend Titled ‘A Few Things’

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OXNARD, CA—His heart pounding in fear as he stared at the unread message in his inbox, area man Joe Dubbin reportedly checked Gmail at 11 p.m. Sunday night to discover a horrifying email from his ex-girlfriend titled simply “A few things.” “Oh, God,” Dubbin said under his breath as he worked up the nerve to move his cursor over the wholly unexpected message, a film of cold sweat materializing on his brow as he scanned the previewed line of text that read “Just so you know” followed by an ellipsis. “Should I just open this thing and get it over with now, or maybe mark it as ‘read’ and look at it tomorrow? Or I could just delete it quickly and forget this ever happened. Jesus.” Sources reported that Dubbin’s pupils then dilated in terror when, 12 minutes after the email arrived in his inbox, the number 2 in parentheses suddenly appeared beside his ex-girlfriend’s name.