JOHNSTOWN, OH—In a devastating surgical disaster of cataclysmic proportions, a local hospital was vaporized Wednesday by a massive, uncontainable blast of energy released from the splitting of conjoined twins. “We saw a bright flashing light, and then felt a shock wave that reverberated for miles,” said local obstetric nurse Franklin Nichols, who had been on his way to his shift at Memorial Hospital when the building was suddenly dissolved by the intense heat produced when fissile material in the decoupled human tissues produced an uncontrolled chain reaction. “Separating conjoined infants is dangerous, because the bonds that hold the twins together contain an incredible amount of energy, all of which was released, in this tragic case, the instant surgeons made their first scalpel incision. The flesh likely melted off the bones of everyone in that hospital, and with my own radiation exposure, I can count on a long, slow death from cancer.” At press time, the surgery was hailed as a success after the twins were found alive in the rubble, having been blown five miles clear of the blast in opposite directions.