SEATTLE—Finding themselves unable to focus after only a few minutes of listening, the eyes of a group of hostages began glazing over Wednesday during a lengthy explanation of a deadly game they were about to play with their serial-killer abductor. “It started out simply enough with him declaring the only rule was kill or be killed, but then he went on for, like, another five minutes about the rule conditions and I totally zoned out,” said victim Chelsea O’Toole, noting the masked maniac who trapped her and several peers in his basement had summarily dismissed the group’s suggestion to just start playing the game and pick up the rules as they go. “It’s kind of frustrating because we’re honestly trying to figure this out, but when I tried to get some clarity on the bonus round, he responded by saying ‘If you don’t play the game, the game plays you,’ which I guess is kind of chilling even though it doesn’t make any sense. I’m also pretty sure one of us accidentally won, like, two minutes into playing because I heard that deranged murderer mumble ‘oh shit’ and then we had to start over again.” The hostages later expressed relief when their abductor decided to put the game away and simply dismember them with a hatchet.

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