Investigating a crime scene is a much more complex process than it might appear in its pop-culture examples. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a crime scene investigation works.
Someone has a bad day.
Crime scene sealed off to ensure no one but experienced experts can tamper with evidence.
Camera put on “dead body” setting.
Coroner empties out body bag he was keeping gym clothes in.
Corpse’s thumb used to unlock iPhone.
Body taken apart if there are issues fitting it through a tight doorway.
Six straight hours of identifying semen samples.
Hard-drinking, existentially despairing detective listens to estranged wife’s voicemail greeting but can’t bring himself to leave message.
Patiently wait for perpetrator’s hubris to be his downfall.