Investigating a crime scene is a much more complex process than it might appear in its pop-culture examples. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a crime scene investigation works.
Step 1:
Someone has a bad day.
Step 2:
Crime scene sealed off to ensure no one but experienced experts can tamper with evidence.
Step 3:
Camera put on “dead body” setting.
Step 4:
Coroner empties out body bag he was keeping gym clothes in.
Step 5:
Corpse’s thumb used to unlock iPhone.
Step 6:
Body taken apart if there are issues fitting it through a tight doorway.
Step 7:
Guesswork.
Step 8:
Six straight hours of identifying semen samples.
Step 9:
Hard-drinking, existentially despairing detective listens to estranged wife’s voicemail greeting but can’t bring himself to leave message.
Step 10:
Patiently wait for perpetrator’s hubris to be his downfall.