How A Crime Scene Investigation Works

Investigating a crime scene is a much more complex process than it might appear in its pop-culture examples. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a crime scene investigation works.


Step 1:

Someone has a bad day.


Step 2:

Crime scene sealed off to ensure no one but experienced experts can tamper with evidence.

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Step 3:

Camera put on “dead body” setting.


Step 4:

Coroner empties out body bag he was keeping gym clothes in.


Step 5:

Corpse’s thumb used to unlock iPhone.


Step 6:

Body taken apart if there are issues fitting it through a tight doorway.


Step 7:

Guesswork.


Step 8:

Six straight hours of identifying semen samples.


Step 9:

Hard-drinking, existentially despairing detective listens to estranged wife’s voicemail greeting but can’t bring himself to leave message.


Step 10:

Patiently wait for perpetrator’s hubris to be his downfall.

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