After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.


Extend Prime free trial to 31 days


Walk into random businesses, point at the manager, and say “You, out”


Open a theme park where Amazon fans can ride the Mozart In The Jungle Super Safari and walk through the Haunted High Castle

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Fake out Walmart by opening a couple of brick-and-mortar mega-stores in the Midwest


Absolutely pulverize every goddamn dog walking service in the world


Win new customers by promising same-minute delivery on all items within chucking distance of distribution centers

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Dramatically relax standards of what constitutes “fair condition” in used paperbacks


Break into the lucrative extortion industry with a fleet of drone thugs


Improve voice commands on Alexa to make it easier to order $100 worth of trash bags by accident

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Start treating workers even more like shit