How Biden Can Beat Trump

Illustration for article titled How Biden Can Beat Trump

With the election around the corner, Democratic Party candidate Joe Biden is fine-tuning his campaign to unseat incumbent President Donald Trump, his Republican Party opponent. The Onion looks at key factors that could help Biden defeat Trump and win the presidency. If this is not your preferred outcome, you can find out how Trump can beat Biden here.


Stay intentionally vague on key issues to pique voter curiosity.

Ride that sweet wave of panic and death caused by an unchecked pandemic.

Remind progressives that no one’s more qualified to dismantle the racist 1994 Crime Bill than its own author.

Build youth support by reminding them that he’s also on the job hunt.

Make any policy compromises necessary to win over the diehard Delaney-or-bust crowd.

Court undecided voters by shaking them and yelling “What’s wrong with you?”

Scour family tree for any additional tragic dead relative stories.

Reassure fretful nation they can vote as many times as they want.

Really lean into that “last resort” messaging.

Just don’t talk too much, and don’t touch anybody.