More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers. Here are some of cable companies’ proposed solutions:

  • Cable boxes to emit loud, pained moan whenever users attempt to unplug
  • Customer service reps will call and personally thank consumers every time they watch a show at its scheduled time
  • Launching nationwide ad campaign dedicated to spoiling what happens in House Of Cards
  • Continuing to include landline service in package deals for some reason
  • For added convenience, four-hour installation windows will be reduced to 16 separate 15-minute windows
  • More Guy Fieri
  • Reminding customers there’s probably a James Bond marathon on Spike right now
  • Highlighting the exciting added level of suspense that comes with viewing shows whose plots are constantly interrupted by two- to four-minute commercial breaks
  • Reducing average price of service to more reasonable $330.39 per month
  • Massive rebranding effort to portray cable industry as plucky, $300 billion underdog

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