California governor Jerry Brown announced Wednesday that the state would impose its first-ever mandatory water reduction for residents in response to a four-year drought that has plagued large areas of the state. Here are some of California’s new measures to conserve water:

  • Water offered generous tax incentives to relocate to California
  • Residents must be 30 percent less glistening when emerging from pool
  • Google forced to drain campus’s bank of relaxing womb-simulation pods and indoor airboat race course
  • Right to water grass restricted solely to residents who have realistic chance of winning subdivision’s Best-Kept Lawn title
  • Disneyland will no longer provide fire hoses for visitors to turn on costumed characters
  • One-child policy
  • Surgeons across state ordered to wash hands half as often
  • Statewide consumer rebate program to replace old water with more water-efficient water
  • Olivia Jessup of Sacramento asked to sacrifice a few hydrangeas
  • Educational campaign to warn citizens against past 100 years of wasteful water policy

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