NEW YORK—Though he was indignant that his employer expected him to carry on as normal while the nation awaited results in what might be the most important election of his adult life, sources confirmed local data analyst Dennis Andino nonetheless put in his ordinary half-assed effort at work Wednesday. “Seriously, how the hell can I stay focused on anything else when the future of our country hangs in the balance like this?” said Andino who, during a typical day on the job, completes the bare minimum amount of work necessary to avoid being fired and who spent much of Monday and Tuesday refreshing Twitter ahead of the NFL’s trade deadline. “I honestly don’t understand how I’m supposed to [file a report that was due three weeks ago and answer a day-old email from a supervisor] as if nothing else is happening in the world. I was so anxious last night I could barely sleep, yet I’m still expected to [complete a tiny fraction of the responsibilities outlined in his job description] like I would any other day. This is bullshit.” At press time, reports stated that the bitter, disappointed man who goes to the office every day with a raging hangover had apologized to his coworkers, saying he was a bit irritable from the election stress.
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