Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators. Here are some ways that China stifles its dissenters:

  • Filtering out any Google search results that don’t link to photo of small child waving Chinese flag
  • Citizens legally obligated to cover ears if they hear word “democracy”
  • Government reeducation cemeteries
  • Obscuring government buildings, detention centers, fellow citizens from view behind constant opaque shroud of smog
  • Bankrolling entire goddamn free world
  • Wildly popular children’s show “The Adventures Of Shangwen: The Dragon Who Never Deviates From Proper Decorum”
  • 3.5 million square miles of hard-to-find places
  • Withholding wages of anyone who goes near public space
  • Opening one new KFC location for every year citizens do not engage in any free speech whatsoever
  • With the implicit approval of the international community

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