How Colleges Are Luring Top Students

Illustration for article titled How Colleges Are Luring Top Students

Eager to enroll talented students and attract parents willing to pay top dollar for their child’s education, colleges across the nation are building new academic halls, installing wave pools and lazy rivers, offering free movie tickets, and more to attract top students to their campus. Here are ways colleges are luring in students:

  • Weston Agricultural College: Free fistful of hulled barley for all enrollees
  • Ball State University: First 50 applicants to be drawn into Garfield comic strip by famed alumnus Jim Davis
  • University of Alabama: Work-study program offers exceptional students opportunity to tutor struggling offensive linemen on full scholarship
  • Brown University: Adjacent dorm for parent
  • Mount Holyoke College: Offers students the same exorbitant tuition costs as much more prestigious universities
  • University of Notre Dame: Connection to God now five times deeper
  • Cornell School of Veterinary Medicine: Every student receives complimentary cat with chronic renal failure
  • Texas Christian University: No actual intellectual growth required for 85 percent of degrees
  • USC School of Cinematic Arts: All classes followed by Q&A with Quentin Tarantino
  • University of Phoenix: Lying
  • Yale School of Forestry: Semester-long immersion program allows students to live and study deeply entangled within fibrous root system
  • Boston University: State-of-the-art dorm rooms provide highest quality of life students will experience for rest of adult life