How Election Night Could Unfold

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Election night, Nov. 3, is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting, a pandemic, and the rhetoric of President Donald Trump have led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution. The Onion looks at the most likely ways that election night could unfold.


  • Early stories of chaos at polling places give way to later stories of chaos at polling places.
  • CNN crew brings signature pep to covering democracy on brink of collapse.
  • Early reports indicate uneasy feeling in pit of stomach to continue for few more weeks.
  • Michigan resident Kathy Peluso breaks 17 years of sobriety.
  • Joe Biden wins in a landslide, instantly resulting in millions of Americans disengaging with politics for the rest of their lives.
  • Donald Trump erroneously declares victory before enough mail-in ballots have been destroyed.
  • One last sweep of nation’s voting booths to remove undecided voters frozen in place.
  • Fossil fuel executives, pharmaceutical lobbyists, and police everywhere celebrate victorious candidate.
  • Something burning.
  • For the 59th time, American populace decides they should definitely fix nation’s faulty voting system before the next election.