Election night, Nov. 3, is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting, a pandemic, and the rhetoric of President Donald Trump have led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution. The Onion looks at the most likely ways that election night could unfold.
- Early stories of chaos at polling places give way to later stories of chaos at polling places.
- CNN crew brings signature pep to covering democracy on brink of collapse.
- Early reports indicate uneasy feeling in pit of stomach to continue for few more weeks.
- Michigan resident Kathy Peluso breaks 17 years of sobriety.
- Joe Biden wins in a landslide, instantly resulting in millions of Americans disengaging with politics for the rest of their lives.
- Donald Trump erroneously declares victory before enough mail-in ballots have been destroyed.
- One last sweep of nation’s voting booths to remove undecided voters frozen in place.
- Fossil fuel executives, pharmaceutical lobbyists, and police everywhere celebrate victorious candidate.
- Something burning.
- For the 59th time, American populace decides they should definitely fix nation’s faulty voting system before the next election.
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