Facebook announced that it will pause the development of its “Instagram Kids” project and reassess it following criticism from lawmakers and parents groups. The Onion provides an in-depth look at Facebook’s proposed changes to improve “Instagram Kids.”
- Automatically aging all selfies by 10 years to discourage pedophiles from engaging.
- Restricting access to children and adults who insist they’re harmless.
- Filtering age-appropriate content more effectively by hiring underage content moderators.
- Creating a totally separate “Instagram Predators” app to keep everyone safe and sound.
- Occasional push notifications checking in on how social media addiction coming along.
- No ads until kids old enough to develop a fully monetizable consumer profile.
- Pre-blocking Drake.
- Avoiding liabilities by lobbying Congress to lower age of consent to 9.
- Encouraging users to take a break if the minor they’re pursuing isn’t responding.
- Stressing that most kids will grow up to be assholes regardless of what Facebook does.
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