The high-profile investigations by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and FBI officials into members of the Trump administration has put federal law enforcement in the spotlight. The Onion presents a guide to how FBI investigations work.
Q: What is required to begin an FBI investigation?
A: An authorized purpose, a clearly defined objective, and a genuine belief that the War on Drugs has not been a colossal failure.
Q: When do most investigations start?
A: Six to eight months after the FBI receives a credible tip that would’ve prevented a recent tragedy.
Q: Does everyone get to wear those cool jackets?
A: Yeah, totally.
Q: Can FBI agents show up in the middle of the night to take a subject into a bright interrogation room and leave them there for hours without mentioning what they’re in there for?
Q: When does a local case officially become the FBI’s responsibility?
A: When an agent steps off a helicopter, takes off their sunglasses, and tells the chief of police they’ll take it from here.
Q: Don’t we think that you’d make a pretty badass FBI agent?
Q: When does an FBI investigation end?
A: When the president fires whomever is conducting it.