The high-profile investigations by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and FBI officials into members of the Trump administration has put federal law enforcement in the spotlight. The Onion presents a guide to how FBI investigations work.


Q: What is required to begin an FBI investigation?

A: An authorized purpose, a clearly defined objective, and a genuine belief that the War on Drugs has not been a colossal failure.


Q: When do most investigations start?

A: Six to eight months after the FBI receives a credible tip that would’ve prevented a recent tragedy.

Advertisement


Q: Does everyone get to wear those cool jackets?

A: Yeah, totally.


Q: Can FBI agents show up in the middle of the night to take a subject into a bright interrogation room and leave them there for hours without mentioning what they’re in there for?

Advertisement

A: Yes.


Q: When does a local case officially become the FBI’s responsibility?

A: When an agent steps off a helicopter, takes off their sunglasses, and tells the chief of police they’ll take it from here.

Advertisement


Q: Don’t we think that you’d make a pretty badass FBI agent?

A: Nah.


Q: When does an FBI investigation end?

A: When the president fires whomever is conducting it.

Advertisement