The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen:


STEP 1:

Summons letter arrives in mail at worst possible time


STEP 2:

Auditions held for charismatic foreman who can deliver captivating verdict


STEP 3:

Mad scramble to cobble together series of legally viable excuses to eliminate minorities from jury pool

Advertisement


STEP 4:

Bailiff issues reminder that court does not validate parking


STEP 5:

Potential jurors told through stifled laughter that the trial shouldn’t take more than two weeks, tops

Advertisement


STEP 6:

Those lucky enough to naturally exude potential bias get to go home


STEP 7:

Sketch artist signs off on group of 12 people who will be pretty easy to draw


STEP 8:

One last sweep for any hippies


STEP 9:

Excited jurors rush to courtroom only to discover it’s a goddamn department store slip-and-fall case

Advertisement