A high-profile case involving the disappearance of travel influencer Gabby Petito and the subsequent disappearance of her fiancé, Brian Laundrie, has resulted in a federal manhunt. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide into how law enforcement manhunts work.
STEP 1: Before pouring resources into manhunt, authorities verify victim was a conventionally attractive white woman.
STEP 2: Helpful bystander points and screams “He went that way!”
STEP 3: Officers establish containment area based on factors such as where the suspect was last seen and how far they feel like walking.
STEP 4: Police department budget increased tenfold.
STEP 5: Gas station clerk turns away from TV to sell suspect bandages and water bottles just as their photo airs on nightly news.
STEP 6: Law enforcement brings in one or two extra guys to help cover 700,000 acres of wilderness.
STEP 7: Lowest-ranking officer put in charge of checking under all the rocks.
STEP 8: Police release blurry photo of random man in white baseball hat to give everyone something to do for a few hours.
STEP 9: Police union readies talking points for when an officer inevitably kills a civilian.
STEP 10: Suspect spotted casually eating at Taco Bell 2,000 miles from presumed location.