For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status. Here is a guide to how the prestigious organization rates restaurants:

  • Step 1: Ranks of Michelin inspectors drawn from among all the world’s best chewers
  • Step 2: Inspector lives under an assumed name and identity for at least 10 years in order to avoid arousing restaurant’s suspicion before writing a review
  • Step 3: Each restaurant starts off with three stars that are theirs to lose
  • Step 4: Michelin inspector disguises self as humble beggar to test restaurant’s compassion
  • Step 5: To guarantee thoroughness of evaluation, Michelin inspector remains at table until they have consumed one of every item on the menu
  • Step 6: An exhaustive interview is conducted to ensure everyone in the restaurant has alienated every member of their family in the pursuit of perfection
  • Step 7: If an inspector’s identity is exposed, Michelin rushes to get them to a nearby safe house where they can lie low until a more permanent, protected solution arises
  • Step 8: Inspector awards three stars to any restaurant whose chef comes forward at the end of the meal to give impassioned speech explaining past 90 minutes of ruses
  • Step 9: Inspector makes their final decision and glances at the Zagat guide review to be sure their opinion isn’t too far afield
  • Step 10: Restaurants can choose to either receive their stars as a lump sum or in installments

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