How New Olympic Sports Are Chosen

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The Tokyo Olympics feature four new sports, including skateboarding, surfing, and karate, all chosen after a long and contentious process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how new Olympic sports are chosen.

STEP 1: Olympic Committee decides to do another Olympics.

STEP 2: IOC determines if anyone can figure out what to do with weird ball they have.


STEP 3: Stuff involving elephants immediately eliminated.

STEP 4: Viewers polled to determine which proposed sports they’d consider putting on in background until show they want to watch comes on.


STEP 5: Ancient texts under Parthenon checked to see if “skateboard” or “break dancing” are mentioned.

STEP 6: Olympic Committee opens formal bribe period two to three years before Games.


STEP 7: IOC members play the activity to see if it’s fun.

STEP 8: Athletes in sport evaluated for emotional appeal in mock medal ceremony.

STEP 9: Sport on cusp of approval retried in swimming pool to see if that gets it over the top.


STEP 10: Squash gets fucked over, again.