How Not To Be An Asshole Tourist That Everyone Hates

While the overwhelming desire to own the world’s great natural and architectural wonders is understandable, they are not currently available to the public.

Depending on the country you’re traveling in, it’s likely best to just bring your own in a flask or Ziploc bag.

If visiting a foreign country, it’s a bad look to erase their highest law and redraft the very principles undergirding their republic.

Many places have sophisticated and safe mass transit systems that are a source of local pride, so it’s a bit condescending to bring 500 miles of rail and 1,800 trolley cars.

You probably aren’t a sex offender, but adding your name to the registry signals that you care about the safety and well-being of locals, especially children.

Most cultures frown on arson.

The best way to respect local guidelines and honor cultural customs is to just shut up. Just shut the fuck up. Just keep your stupid fucking mouth closed. Keep your lips sealed, and your stupid thoughts in your ignorant little head where they belong at all times.

Don’t go to museums and slap paintings and statues because you don’t like the way they’re looking at you.

It’s not polite to brag about nuclear capability.

It’s customary in many countries for tourists to hold onto their garbage until they can properly dispose of it when they’ve returned home.

Throwing bills into the fountain in exchange for a few coins isn’t going to endear you to anyone.

At least consider turning the volume down.

Preferably just suffer in silence like everyone else.

In most cultures it is considered rude to kick and punch a bird over scraps.

It’s highly disrespectful to compare everyone you meet to Jasper T. Jowls, Mr. Munch, and Helen Henny.

Make a great impression by allowing hospitals, fire stations, and government offices to remain unscathed.

Grow up and splurge for the drone.

If you think you might have some smallpox, wait until you’re all clear because spreading smallpox in an unsuspecting population helps no one.

Maybe that’s what you do in your home country, but you need to pick up the pace and walk in a forward motion if you want to fit in.

Sometimes the best way to not be an asshole tourist is to pack your bags immediately, book a plane flight home, and leave forever.