How Not To Be An Asshole Tourist That Everyone Hates

When traveling abroad, the last thing you want to be is the rude, out-of-place idiot that everyone despises. Here are the best ways not to be an asshole tourist.

Stop Saying “Dibs” At Major Tourist Attractions

While the overwhelming desire to own the world’s great natural and architectural wonders is understandable, they are not currently available to the public.

Don’t Request Gatorade At Restaurants

Depending on the country you’re traveling in, it’s likely best to just bring your own in a flask or Ziploc bag.

Don’t Rewrite Their Constitution

If visiting a foreign country, it’s a bad look to erase their highest law and redraft the very principles undergirding their republic.

Leave Your Subway System Behind

Many places have sophisticated and safe mass transit systems that are a source of local pride, so it’s a bit condescending to bring 500 miles of rail and 1,800 trolley cars.

Register As A Sex Offender

You probably aren’t a sex offender, but adding your name to the registry signals that you care about the safety and well-being of locals, especially children.

Arson

Most cultures frown on arson.

Shut Up

The best way to respect local guidelines and honor cultural customs is to just shut up. Just shut the fuck up. Just keep your stupid fucking mouth closed. Keep your lips sealed, and your stupid thoughts in your ignorant little head where they belong at all times.

Art Slapping

Don’t go to museums and slap paintings and statues because you don’t like the way they’re looking at you.

Pointing Out The U.S. Could Flatten This Entire City With One Bomb

It’s not polite to brag about nuclear capability.

Leaving Trash Behind

It’s customary in many countries for tourists to hold onto their garbage until they can properly dispose of it when they’ve returned home.

Getting Change From The Local Fountain

Throwing bills into the fountain in exchange for a few coins isn’t going to endear you to anyone.

Carrying Around A Boombox That’s Constantly Blaring A “USA” Chant

At least consider turning the volume down.

Frantically Asking If There Is A Doctor On Board

Preferably just suffer in silence like everyone else.

Don’t Fight With Pigeons Over Food

In most cultures it is considered rude to kick and punch a bird over scraps.

Compare Everything To Chuck. E. Cheese’s

It’s highly disrespectful to compare everyone you meet to Jasper T. Jowls, Mr. Munch, and Helen Henny.

Leave Essential Buildings Standing After Rampage Of Fire

Make a great impression by allowing hospitals, fire stations, and government offices to remain unscathed.

Don’t Use A Selfie Stick

Grow up and splurge for the drone.

Don’t Spread Smallpox

If you think you might have some smallpox, wait until you’re all clear because spreading smallpox in an unsuspecting population helps no one.

Stop Walking Backwards

Maybe that’s what you do in your home country, but you need to pick up the pace and walk in a forward motion if you want to fit in.

Leave

Sometimes the best way to not be an asshole tourist is to pack your bags immediately, book a plane flight home, and leave forever.