Multiple high-profile cases involving police officers who were exonerated after committing criminal acts, including killings, have shone a spotlight on the frequent lack of accountability for law enforcement. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how cops can get away with crimes.
STEP 1: After graduating from the academy, officer assigned to nation with a long history of looking the other way when subjugating classes of people.
STEP 2: Officer quickly assesses unarmed black teenager for something to perceive as a threat.
STEP 3: Officer makes sure to audibly exclaim “Oops!” after each trigger pull.
STEP 4: Officer forced to turn in their badge and gun for the rest of the day.
STEP 5: Media conducts thorough investigation to find least flattering photo of victim for news reports.
STEP 6: Tomi Lahren.
STEP 7: Internal police department review gives the officer a frowny face sticker.
STEP 8: Twelve police widows selected for grand jury.
STEP 9: Defense attorney highlights all the positive things officer has done in career that weren’t methodically covered up.
STEP 10: Officer acquitted of all charges after evidence emerges that victim was no angel.