With no winner from the previous drawing, the jackpot for Wednesday’s Powerball lottery is expected to surpass $450 million, as gamblers around the nation buy more tickets in hopes of drawing the lucky numbers. Here’s what aspiring Powerball winners should know about the drawing:

What are my odds of winning the Powerball jackpot?

25 percent.

Where can I buy Powerball tickets?

Powerball tickets may be purchased at the same place you get your Camels and Potato Stix.

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I am a gentleman of, shall we say, considerable means. Might it be possible for such an individual to game the system by buying two or even three tickets at once?

Yes.

Who are some notable past Powerball winners?

Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, Michael Bloomberg, Mark Cuban.

What if more than one person wins?

The multiple winners must learn to share their prize, in the process learning a lesson far more valuable than all the Powerball jackpots in the world.

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Do I need to be some half-witted dumbfuck from Kansas or some shit to win this thing?

Yes.

What will this week’s winning Powerball numbers be?

4, 11, 19, 28, 41, Powerball 10.

What happens if the lower-tier, fixed-value prizes exceed Powerball’s cash reserves, forcing the jackpot to be paid on a pari-mutuel basis?

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Resources for dealing with gambling addiction can be found online or by calling 1-800-522-4700.

Who chooses the winning Powerball numbers?

President Barack Obama.

Can I borrow a couple bucks?

No.

Do lottery winners have to pay taxes?

While encouraged to continue paying taxes and generally abiding by the law, lottery winners are exempt from the laws of man and nature alike.

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What happens if the Powerball goes unclaimed?

The unclaimed cash will be dropped into an undisclosed pit, buried in thick cement, and never spoken of again.

Can a Powerball winner void his winnings if he suddenly realizes money is a toxin that will poison his relationships and make him lose perspective on what is of actual importance in his life?

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Only time and the wretched yoke of experience can teach you that, my child. There is no other way.