The United Statesā€™ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugeeā€™s arrival in America:

  • Step 1: Filled-out refugee application materials thrown onto large, unorganized pile of folders on desk at United States immigration headquarters
  • Step 2: Applicants shown pictures of various U.S. landmarks and asked how violent they make them feel
  • Step 3: Nonrefundable $45 credit check fee
  • Step 4: Find safe place to wait out gunfire for next two years while application is processed
  • Step 5: Tracking chips inserted into refugeesā€™ forearms
  • Step 6: Cry softly
  • Step 7: Often regarded as the most arduous step of the process, refugees must successfully elicit some level of sympathy from the American populace
  • Step 8: Age another year
  • Step 9: Legally accepted refugees inserted onto list to receive government benefits, directly ahead of all of nationā€™s veterans
  • Step 10: Accept grim but very real possibility of life in Billings, MT
  • Step 11: Refugees given list of mosques under government watch they are allowed to attend
  • Step 12: Enjoy full rights and privileges of something called ā€œAdjust Statusā€
  • Step 13: Fully assimilate by denying sanctuary to future waves of refugees from another part of the world

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