Many diners make decisions about where to eat based on a restaurant’s health inspection grade, but may not know exactly how inspectors arrive at their scores. The Onion provides a primer for how restaurant inspection grades are calculated.


STEP 1:

Inspector jumps out of restaurant dishwasher to begin surprise inspection.


STEP 2:

Inspector walks floor of dining room and deducts points for audible crunching of millipedes.

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STEP 3:

Single white glove pulled onto hand, slid under counter to check for levels of dust.

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STEP 4:

Cockroaches evaluated for carapace sheen and speed.


STEP 5:

Inspector checks if any ingredients are past their expiration date, but it’s okay if it’s, like, a few days past the date, because they just put that there to scare you into buying more anyway.

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STEP 6:

Extensive interviews conducted with widows of prior health inspectors.


STEP 7:

Restaurant given chance to earn extra credit by writing essay on what food safety means to them.

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STEP 8:

Otherwise-perfect inspection failed at last minute due to lobster latching onto inspector’s nose.

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STEP 9:

Restaurant given eight years to rectify violations.


STEP 10:

Sharpie used to change D grade to B+.

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