How The GOP Can Appeal To Women

Illustration for article titled How The GOP Can Appeal To Women

In light of Donald Trump’s controversial comments about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly and the Republican Party’s divisive views on Planned Parenthood, many are wondering how the party will win the female vote in next year’s presidential election. Here are some ways the GOP can appeal more to the nation’s women:

  • Make it clear that they think everyone, not just women, should receive less health care
  • Offer direct, heartfelt apology to any female donors they may have offended
  • Clarify that their war on women is really more of a limited-scale combat engagement on women
  • Remind voters that they’ve been nothing but nice to their secretaries
  • Redesign elephant mascot to feature wider hips and lush, batting eyelashes
  • Simply repurpose time-tested GOP strategies for courting Hispanic, black, low-income, and millennial voters
  • Deflect attention from party’s opinions on women by reminding voters they have dozens of other equally horrendous views
  • Don’t lump all women into one category, but rather acknowledge female voters as individual baby-producing apparatuses
  • Emphasize how cutting taxes for large corporations would benefit all women who happen to run large corporations
  • Start search for presidential candidate over from scratch