How The House Speaker Is Elected

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With a group of Republicans holding out against the candidacy of Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the election of a new House speaker has hit a stalemate, and the House cannot begin business until a speaker is chosen. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how the speaker of the House is elected.

STEP 1: All Americans best suited to position eliminated well before actual elections.


STEP 2: Each party meets in backroom to vote on which backroom to hold speaker nomination in.

STEP 3: House clerk performs a quorum call, a complex set of tones and whistles that a female quorum finds irresistible.


STEP 4: DNA testing to determine who is most genetically similar to George Washington.

STEP 5: Round-robin ping-pong tournament.

STEP 6: Racist lunatic weighs in.

STEP 7: If no candidate wins on first ballot, the majority party candidate’s opponents are reminded that they’re all in this to destroy the country together.


STEP 8: If a candidate doesn’t win on the first six ballots—well, only a total loser would continue asking for the job after losing six ballots in a row. Seriously, six ballots? How fucking pathetic would that person have to be? Honestly, this would be a national humiliation of epic proportions—so embarrassing, in fact, that you have to assume there’s no chance it will ever actually happen.

STEP 9: New speaker spends sterling career leading unanimous approvals for higher military budgets.