With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings.
Crack down on low-quality, copycat Thursday Night Football games that steal viewers and tarnish reputation of real professional football games
Take advantage of strange new world called “cyberspace” that allows “surfers” to “stream” videos directly onto devices called “personal laptop computers”
Streamline game-day broadcasts by eliminating extraneous commercials, NFC North
Increase jostling, pushing by 60 percent
Crack down on player protests by solving racial inequality and eliminating police brutality
Explore the possibility of building some kind of connection between the currently completely separate worlds of football and gambling
Boost drama with steamier in-game romance plot lines
Clear helmets to improve player visibility
Reduce human error plaguing the league by implementing a robot commissioner
Keep lying about how bad concussions really are
Encourage viewers to come back each week by ending broadcasts with two-minute warning cliffhanger