How The NFL Can Increase Viewership

Illustration for article titled How The NFL Can Increase Viewership

With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings.


Crack down on low-quality, copycat Thursday Night Football games that steal viewers and tarnish reputation of real professional football games

Take advantage of strange new world called “cyberspace” that allows “surfers” to “stream” videos directly onto devices called “personal laptop computers”

Streamline game-day broadcasts by eliminating extraneous commercials, NFC North

Increase jostling, pushing by 60 percent

Crack down on player protests by solving racial inequality and eliminating police brutality


Explore the possibility of building some kind of connection between the currently completely separate worlds of football and gambling


Boost drama with steamier in-game romance plot lines

Clear helmets to improve player visibility

Reduce human error plaguing the league by implementing a robot commissioner

Keep lying about how bad concussions really are

Encourage viewers to come back each week by ending broadcasts with two-minute warning cliffhanger