The Vatican’s College of Cardinals will use an arcane, centuries-old process to select the next pope when it convenes the papal conclave this week. Here is the step-by-step guide to how the new pontiff will be chosen:
- Step 1: Thorough background check ensures no candidate has previously been pope
- Step 2: Candidates bare teeth and display genitals for judges to inspect
- Step 3: Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God
- Step 4: Transubstantiation lightning round
- Step 5: Each candidate must stay the entire night in underground crypt to prove bravery
- Step 6: Holy Spirit trust falls
- Step 7: Cardinals hold election; in the event of a tie, the Vatican disbands and Catholicism is abolished
- Step 8: Newly elected pope walks in a counterclockwise circle seven times to prove he’s not the devil
- Step 9: Pontiff goes into a private room to have his portrait drawn; the first portrait is a serious one and the second is a fun one