The Transportation Security Administration has released a new report with recommendations for improving security at airports around the nation. Here are the TSA’s planned upgrades:
- Agents will earn passengers’ trust by performing random screenings and pat downs on themselves throughout the day
- Security checkpoint agents must now make scribbles on tickets horizontally instead of vertically
- Gun-carrying privileges restricted to Platinum Club members or higher
- All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird
- Prior to takeoff, the captain will more effectively prepare passengers for any potential emergency situations by listing off his greatest weaknesses as a pilot
- As part of a more comprehensive training program, agents will be required to attend daily lectures on global geopolitical history in order to better understand the root causes of terrorism
- Passengers who claim to have lost their ticket and ID will no longer be allowed to board certain flights
- Anyone aged 14 to 78 prohibited from flying