How To Cook A Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey

Thaw for two or three days by burying the bird in a deep hole in the backyard.

Give it a hot bubble bath.

To determine the cause of death, cut along the turkey’s sternum with a scalpel, open up the chest cavity, and perform an autopsy.

To tenderize, wrap the turkey up in newspaper and beat it with a two-by-four.

Capture the flavors of autumn by stuffing the turkey’s cavity with wet leaves, twigs, and pinecones.

Any cutting boards or utensils that touched the turkey should also be stuffed inside the turkey at this point.

Place the turkey in a wig. Call it Alice or Mom or whatever seems to fit.

Put your head inside of the turkey and become it for a few hours. Go to a local store and enjoy the incredible experience of what it would be like to be a turkey just walking around among humans.

Eat another turkey in front of it to make it jealous.

Fill out official paperwork to change your name to Turkey and then change your turkey’s name to your own. Then surprise your family by lying down nude on your dinner table this Thanksgiving.