How To Ease U.S.–China Tensions

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The Trump administration ordered China to close its Houston, TX consulate as COVID-19, trade battles, and other issues exacerbate tensions between the two nations. The Onion looks at potential solutions for easing tensions between the U.S. and China.

Demand formal apology from China for America’s handling of coronavirus pandemic.

Wait few more days for Trump to casually declare he’s undoing all the stuff he just did.


Focus on what we have in common: human rights violations.

Have Chinese government run U.S. for two weeks and U.S. government run China for two weeks so they can truly appreciate how hard the other’s job is.


Bond over mutual love and respect for soybeans.

Inform countries that while they’ve been distracted by arguing with each other, Paraguay has been talking a ton of shit about them.


Avoid direct confrontation with tried-and-true method of proxy war in Vietnam.

Ease trade tensions by promising Apple stockholders will never have to see conditions of Chinese factories ever again.


Democracy the hell out of them.

Remember that no matter what, these two countries will always love making a shitload of money off one another.