Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don’t have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion’s tips for eating healthy in just three bites.
Fill Up On Bread First: If you gorge yourself on carbs, you’ll be less likely to want seconds.
Avoid Pie-Eating Contests Between Meals: For midday munchies, try a pear instead of as many apple pies as you can devour in two minutes.
Ask Your Doctor To Inject You With Green: It doesn’t matter what’s in it—green is healthy.
Clean Your Intestines Once A Week: Removing, washing, and draining your intestines once per week cleans out any leftover food debris.
Breed Carrot With Chicken: For a lean, protein-rich source of beta-carotene.
Drain The Meat From Your Beef Wellington: Wring out the entree like a wet towel until the filet is mostly squeezed out, leaving only puff pastry behind.
Put Some Nut Butter On A Rock: All of the fun of a rock, but with nut butter on it!
Consume Plenty Of Water: For optimal hydration, be sure to chew your water thoroughly before swallowing.
Methamphetamines: Packed with energy and yet zero calories, they’ve got no downside.
Remind Yourself That There’s No Such Thing As “Healthy” Food, Just Types of Nutrition, And Every Person’s Body Has Different Dietary Requirements Based On Their Lifestyle And Genetics: Just eat the goddamn chia seeds.