As economic uncertainty drives people to be cost-conscious, keeping your technology functioning longer can save money and reduce stress. The Onion offers tips for extending the lifespan of your tech devices.
Invest in a screen protector, hardshell case, and muscular bodyguard who stands watch at all times.
Run a system diagnostic check, assuming you know what the hell that means.
To prevent damage if you drop your device, simply breathe in sharply, curse, and whisper “please, please, please” as you bend down to get it.
Preserve your devices during harsh winter months by packing them in tightly sealed jars full of vinegar, water, and salt.
To build its endurance, throw your laptop on the ground repeatedly.
Research your device to see if it came from a consumer system of planned obsolescence.
Consider an occult ritual that lengthens your battery’s lifespan in exchange for shortening yours.
Never take it out of the box.